Sunday, March 29, 2009

Riding the stainless saddle

[Well, the re-cap of the weekend is in the making. As many details as I can and care to share. In the meantime, here's what I posted on FetLife. Oh, and photos of the adventure - © Mr FD - will be up on Flickr soon. If you don't have private access, don't hesitate to ask.]

Hello friends,

I am thrilled and delighted to have a follow-up post to my first FetLife post [below]. Through a twist of fate (a benevolence of the gods perhaps), I met Mr. FD online and was warmly invited to visit him in Switzerland. At the time of the first posting, when I wrote about getting back into bdsm, I was about two weeks away from a three-day experience in total immersion with him. Of course, I was completely excited and giddy as a schoolgirl, but I had doubts about my ability and about meeting a relative stranger, entrusting him with my whole being, and plunging into a full weekend of play, service, and training.

My highest compliments and greatest thanks go to him for his clear communications prior to our rendezvous. Through his words and exchanges, I could already tell I could trust him in this endeavor. But, worries about my own ability bubbled up.

Needless to say, and wonderful to report, my physical tolerance was better and stronger than I could imagine. The red and purple painting he made on my ass and thighs is slowly fading into a beautiful Easter egg yellow. The cane marks on my inner thighs are now soft shades of train tracks and such lovely reminders of my first figging experience and lessons in obedience.

My mind had been tightly twisted around fears (of self-ability, of trust, of focus) and afraid to release into his discipline, control, and ability. From the moment I was situated on the train in his direction - I felt home. I could breathe better and felt a strong sense of relief. With him, my thoughts and psyche went from giggling (while being caned no less!) to centered concentration (breath play); from intellectual, informal discussions to adhering to protocol; from focused attention to floating trust.

This sounds silly perhaps, but my spirit was freed. All these days of built-up need and longing, having an idea of where my place is, dreaming of finding a way to get myself into that place! What a release. Mr. FD welcomed me without judgment, listened to me when I communicated sincere distress, opened a safe space for honesty, pushed me beyond borders that I thought were boundaries, and fueled my desires.... I definitely learned to be careful what I asked for! Breast bondage, pet play, bathroom management - oh my!

And, all the while, as I was learning how to be the best sub I could be, the little girl was also let loose to play. For the first time ever, she got to run on the playground, show her fears, cry tears, pacify herself, and get big hugs.

The first day back in Paris, I was - quite literally - floating down the streets. My first day back in class, and I found I had some additional inner strength that released me from being so self-conscious. Almost a week after my return and I'm still floating, content, inspired to re-examine my priorities (in a healthy, constructive way), and feel stronger and more purposeful. I am completely aware that this post could have been very negative. While we both had an agreed "out" (I have a friend in Geneva), it became the object of a joke. I'm so lucky, thankful, and appreciative of the experience Mr. FD provided me and so joyous at my own development.

Thank you again to those who commented on my previous post. Your warm words were encouraging and thoughtful.


Back in the saddle (as it were)

Hello friends,

New to FetLife. Great to be here! I was engaged in bdsm activity in various ways before I moved to Paris for graduate school. Kind of stashed the sub away in order to suffer under the demands of school for the past 1.5 years. But now, I have been reinvigorated to explore and tap into my submissive side.

Transition from silence to this new, open space is definitely an interesting shift. I'm not a novice, but I feel like I could identify with their intrigue and curiosity. Not a well-practiced sub, so I can't identify with some of the more complex questions and issues.

It's been somewhat of a challenge to start listening to this part of me. I imagine many subs balance being dominant in work/vanilla life with being a sub in private life. Moving into that space of balance is taking a bit of effort. By previous interest I'm a lover of words and ideas, so reading FetLife profiles, posts, discussions, and outside websites have got me riled up and excited in a wonderful way. I'm on the path to have an outlet for these new explorations and release of feelings/needs. In the meantime though, I'm finding challenge in patience, security, and ability.

My flesh, in and of itself, is a new, blank slate. I've had some vanilla lovers in Paris spank me, but it's been such a minor endeavor (not to belittle spanking, because I love it!). But this leaves me to wonder what my tolerance level is for harder pain (which I crave in idea and memory).

My mind has been zoned in on controlling myself, creating boundaries, monitoring my behavior, punishing and praising. I'm worried about my ability to let go of that and replace it with a dominant's commands, controls, direction. There is no doubt in any bone of my body that I need it and want it and crave it. I'm just wary of my ability to do so easily.

My spirit, as it were, is aroused again with remembrance of submission, and recall of unfulfilled dreams and deep need. In this transition, I'm a bit hesitant to let go of all the built-up self-control and just let myself be free, honest, needing, seeking, and desirous.

It's a wonderful predicament to be in!! Life is the journey, right? :) I guess I'm posting just to see if there are others out there who have experienced the same - before or always. The balance, the re-engagement, taking deep breaths while being so ecstatic about diving in again, being rational while day-dreaming like a little kid, letting go and being wise about it, etc...

Thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments.

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