Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I see London, I see France


I'm not even able to stay home to pack decently. I have to be on the road for work today, off-site all day Wed, off across the state Thurs to return at 9:30pm and pack for my 3pm flight. Sigh. Not a moment to actually stop and think and enjoy this so unusual jet-setting.

Sat - fly into London, hop the Eurostar train to Paris
Sun - Paris
Mon - Paris, visit Sciences Po
Mon night - Eurostar to London
Tues - London, visit Univ College
Wed - London
Thurs - fly back home

Sex? What's that? R-n-R? What's that? This is official business.

I guess you'll hear all about it upon my return. Hopefully my new digicam will arrive [dumb Amazon mix-up] and you'll get pix when I get back. When I get home, I make a decision about schools that Friday and I get that first May weekend alone. Then a week of work, a weekend to visit the parents and celebrate Mother's Day with my birthday [it's Sunday, May 13th and I'd like a laptop, PDA, and anything else found on the Amazon wishlist - I'll be 32 - you should buy me something]. Week of work and then May 19th off to Mexico with "no-name Joe" for a week. At least he planned the trip so we'd get Memorial weekend back home. Settle down, settle in. June work and train a new staff person. July work, train, quit, pack up my life. August store my life, move somewhere. September start school.

The train has left the station. And it's like a super fast jet train. I'm not driving. I've turned my wheel over to jesus, the cosmos, Mother Nature, buddha, allah, the aliens, the secret plotting between my soul and the universe.

I guess it's what I wished for and I guess it's coming true. Impermanence is permanent.

If I could have anything without worrying about the consequences, I'd go for two years in Paris. Learn my third language, spend my days roaming Henry Miller, Picasso, Toulouse Lautrec, and learn to debate social policy in French.

My horoscope says I should take a minute on Monday and have a tea or be by myself to contemplate and take it easy. If you send your post mail addy in time, I will send you a postcard.

Friday, April 20, 2007

To the parents

Years ago, I swore that I'd get married and change my last name. I hated them that much. Years ago, I almost slapped my mother. Years ago, I cut initials into my left ankle to remind me of the hatred and pain my father caused.

Years go by...

Dear mum and dad email:

I was thinking about you guys today.

It's great to work downtown with the floor-to-ceiling windows because we get to see a lot. During the good weather there's some daycare group that trucks up the street to the capitol with all these cute lil kids tied to a string and 2 adults leading them up the hill. Today, I was walking past the cap as I noticed all these toddlers jumping around the cap lawn in lil hats and coats.

Kind of made me think of that story you told me, mum, about how, as a kid, I was late for school bus and you made me walk to school but called some lady ahead at a church or something to "accidentally" come out and see me and help me across the street.

Made me very heartfelt and appreciative of all you guys have done for me. Without even knowing it myself, you've made me who I am. I know that you're not perfect and that you did the best you could and that there were so many years of utter hatred. But seems that things worked out, huh? And the more work I've done on this project, learning about unplanned consequences and poverty and lack of education and love, the more I've really started to understand the parents' role.

I'll never concede to it out loud [and you'll burn this email upon receipt], but I'm also kinda turning into you in parts. My sister and I talked tonight about our trip to London/Paris together. She told me she packs the night before but it's not a big deal [maybe she's a liar?]. I told her I pack the night before and it's an ordeal and I over-pack. .. Kind of like mom, I guess. ; ) So, we reconciled that she'll pack what she wants but will have the leftover space for our new purchases, where I'll come equipped with everything in case we need a first aid kit or some such.

So many other weird things too. She bought her ticket for my flight but randomly chose the seat. Ends up she's 35G and I'm 35J. We'll be kicking Mr. 35H out of the way for sure. Turns out she asked her beau to help her do the research for a new digicam, dad. HA! So, I forwarded her the info you sent me and told her about the digicam I bought.

Bizarre daughters you created.

At one point, while debating whether to stay with the friends-of-friends I wrote to or to investigate hostels on our own, she and I agreed that we'd be better off on our own -- b/c it's easier for us to separate w/o hurt feelings or take our own time alone etc w/o involving other parties. Two peas in a pod. [We're divvying up your list of hostels to investigate more thoroughly, dad]

Yeah, I think the trip will be good for us. Maybe a bit weird at times b/c she'll always want to take care of me and I'll always want to be rebellious. But I bet we're more similar now than we were ever before. And maybe that will be difficult, maybe not. Either way...

If you ever thought about leaving a legacy... well, you have.

Guess I just wanted to tell you guys that you done good. I know you already know, but ... you know, I'm the sensitive one, the writerly one. I had to do it.

Back to the research.


The landlord

This made my week

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Trailer park girls go 'round the outside

Oh stop me now.

Who's a bad girl? Who? Who?

Thursday with Andy. We tried a bit of bumstar visitation. We tried a bit of cock sucking. We got to where we needed to go. [Short snipets for Lola tonight as I have been on the road.] I do love how he knows my shyness and knows my body and takes what he wants. Flipping me over to lick my star. Holding my head to thrust down my throat. Climbing on top and pushing my thighs apart. ... And then a bit of dreamland chatter post and then ... then.. he's out the door. It's a nice balance.

Friday with Spiderman. Dinner is so strange with people who have children and forget table manners or how to treat a lady... And upstairs in his attic bedroom where he had a go of spank spank spanking my ass over and over as a newbie could. He didn't put it to me and I wondered if he missed his only opportunity to get a Lolacicle. I had thought better of sleeping at someone's house but stayed anyway and avoided cute loving embraces. He wrote me a song and it sounded so sexy as he hollared out "dolly."

Saturday with "no-name" Joe. Good margaritas. Good laughs. Watched Babel which was intense and interesting but lord why'd it win so many accolades? At his place. In his bed. I guess maybe I'm on top these days because of the yin-yang balance... less control in my day life, more control in my night? I still wish for being taken and men without self-consciousness. His tongue might not like my honeypot which is allright with me, but his fingers can find the button to work magic. He asked if I liked to cuddle after sex. My timeframe is not about love, is not about like, is not about making lasting impressions, is not about touchy-feely, but I'm not wholly against it. I curdle at those advances on the inside, but would rather succumb to someone's control or desires than petty prancy around mine. Secretly, I think he's found the blog, too. Secretly, I also think our trip to Mexico will be an eye opener for us both.

And now... London's Calling. I'm trying to finalize accommodations for London next weekend while also dealing with a super hectic work schedule. I'm not used to operating at this high octane level. I was dreaming last night about what ifs - what if Sciences Po in Paris accepts me and I dreamt of taking the train to Paris from London - which side of my actual day visit to the Univ Coll London? And now, I have the paper in my hand. And, now, add on the fact that Sciences Po in Paris has accepted me. Life is getting faster and complicated... and it'll all end on May 4th. I have gotten extensions to finalize where to go to school from Univ of Chicago and Carnegie until then. NYU which has waitlisted me has not replied. And after May 4? What becomes of a pumpkin? I guess I focus on my Stats and Econ finals, the awesome adventure with Joe in Mexico, hiring a new "me" for my job, and the 2-month long saga of sorting through belongings and what to do with it all. It will be nice to have a destination then. But it's also nice to be in this internal war, strife, gripe, rollercoaster.

I talked to my sister tonight. We have an internal string-and-can phone system between her and my mum and me. Someone thinks of someone and they call. Usually it's stronger between my mum and sister, but tonight I got home from long trip, long day and wondered if I should call my right-brain sister who can also still feel my impulsiveness [unlike dad]. She called me 20 minutes after that thought. All of a sudden it was her quitting her big marketing job, being hired at another firm, and taking her vacation with me to London and Paris. I brought it up. It might be nice to have someone to bounce shit off of and nice to have a compadre. Sure, I don't get along with her much, but it'll also be all about me and in turn, in her free time, all about her. We're both sluts, we're both independent, we're both drinkers, we're both travellers, we might just work out. "Like I told dad," she said "it's the way of our family. Trouble? Change? Life changes? Bring it on. We like to pile it on, we like to add more on to what we're already facing." Yes, this is so true. I could have made it easy like this girl in my Stats class who applied to one school in Illinois and banked on that. But I piled it on. And then on some more. And now, on some more. I know I'll miss these days of excitement and woe-is-me and deciding. At least I recognize it to enjoy it.

I'd like to cut all boys out of my life this week. I need to stay to me and do some work and investigating and playing with a new camera I bought and rearranging my IRA for my tax refund and looking up trains from London to Paris, but I also know that a good fuck is good for the soul.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

After thoughts

My breath stinks
I hate people who fart in the gym
"What would you do if you were Imus's boss?" "I'd fire him and hire a nappy head ho to take his spot."
How can I be bleeding and horny at the same time?
How is cum made?
I can't believe what gets me off these days.
I need a new digicam
I need to call UofC and postpone my deadline
I can't believe I'm fucking going to London and I'm disgruntled about it
I still need to sign my passport
Fucking IRS lost my refund
I shoulda checked their website a month ago
It actually felt really natural to cuddle during "300" with "no-name"
If I keep working out three times a week and cut down on carbs will I look good in a bikini?
Bumstar is definitely ready for fucks
Birthday presents: laptop, digicam, palm pilot
My landlord is already showing my apartment
I need to get that drip in the kitchen fixed
Hope I don't flunk my stats exam tomorrow
Fucking can't believe I'm supposed to wake up to 4-7" of snow tomorrow
"Sometimes It Snows In April" - he's a very wise man
There's this neat guy who wants to spank me and I really want a date with him but he's so busy
Dating is hard
I wonder what my credit score is
Does anyone fucking know anyone in London I can stay with?
I can't believe I spent so many hours on that event only to have it re-scheduled
So, who's on the "Plan Lola's Goodbye Party" committee?
I think it should be multiple locations with multiple themes and activities and fireworks
"No-name" unlocked and held the car door open for me on our date last weekend. That's nice.
Andy's schedule sucks
I'm going to purchase some serious workout clothing which will make me look athletic, smart, and sexy.
Pandora really does rock.
Can you believe that The Hold Steady is playing the night before "no-name" and I go to Mexico?
What should "no-name"'s name be? Joe, Billy, or Jet?
I guess I can just take out a loan for whatever amount I need. It's a big hole versus a bigger one.
I'm gonna invest in Doc Johnson
Stupid Paris and Berlin are taking forever to get back to me
I need a million dollars
I should get into porn
Yeah, orange juice is awesome
Micro financing is a great idea, but flawed
How is Martin Short even alive anymore
Dude, the Mayans are where it's at and I'm gonna try snorkeling
Snow.. snow. Snow! In fucking April. Disgusting.
Man, that was a really good, inner thigh trembling cum.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Plunging - not for toilets

I did take Hex's advice [unbeknown to him that he gave it in advance, but I'm glad he approved]. The Cock Rock experience at the Cardinal ruled. I walked down after a few gin & tonics and totally got my bootie rock on. And got a bit wee more drunk than I have in a while. I think I thwarted a few come-on hit-ons. I texted "no-name" boy and he came down to meet me just as the ugly lights went up at bar close.

The last post I had about him was rather negative about his lack of stamina in bed. Just to clear that up, he's proven way better afterwards. More stamina, more dirty talk, more wrestling. And he's working out at my gym now and we're getting to know each other better. I'm still planning on going to Mexico with him the end of May and I'm actually having a lot of fun fucking him and hanging out.

I got up today at noon, ate a bowl of cereal, chatted briefly with no-name and apologized for any drunk girl crazy and then went back to bed for 2 more hours. Definitely have not had this kind of day in a long while. He came by at 4pm to take me to see 300 which is definitely a gay porn movie in a way... fucking hotties and a bit silly. No sex after movie & dinner since I'm bleeding - yay! no one's a dad!

I'd say more but I'm too tired. ... Cock rock. Yeah. Awesome.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Hesitation Frozen

I'm having hesitation problems.

All dressed up and nowhere to go. To go to the dumb 80's Cock Rock Extravaganza at the local club or stay in my sexys at home.

To go to school in London or stay at home.

Whiney lil dilemmas that seem to plague me.

All of a sudden ... literally just this minute... I could hear Hex of Sleep Dirt saying.. Good lord woman, Cock Rock?!? GO!!!!!

Okay okay...

So, if you have a Good Lord Woman for London or Chicago or Pittsburgh or New York, please do pass it along. Especially if it's London because I booked a ticket to go to their open tour day at UCL end of April to early May and I need accommodations. Yeah. Really. Apr 28 - May 3. Booked.

Oh, and I started an analysis of my tour of Univ of Chicago but didn't finish it. After all, I'm "spring break" -- ha. Back to Stats exam studying tomorrow. For now, to fulfill Hex's scolding.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Is Chicago

Is not Chicago

You're the only one I'll tell. It's 12:44am Sunday officially. I don't want to talk to anyone about my trip. I'm still processing it and I don't feel good. I'm wiped out and exhausted. Confused and let down.

I know precisely why I've always gone to Chicago and not visited with my cousin. I've been there quite a few times, albeit limited to only a few select hoods. When I was screwing Swan, I'd go down for a night and stay a day after. I'd always pre-promise my girl cousin D that I'd have brunch with her and would always, with my tail between my legs, email her Sunday night with apologies.

She's always been younger. She's always been blonder. She's always been richer. She's always been louder. She's always been obnoxious. In that same way that I love my sister, D just rubs me the entirely wrong way and I can only now find the patience and older wisdom to understand, breathe, and shake it off.

She got an MBA. I want an MPP. That should explain some of it. MBA means the bottom line. MPP means the bottom person.

It's funny because we spent a few overlapping summers growing up and playing 'store' in grandma's cupboards in the kitchen. Trading canned goods for small bills. She remembers me in high school telling her what the cool music was and how she should totally buy some of it to be cool. I remember nothing.

Just like her wedding.

I know I'm partly to blame for my own insecurities and jealousies. They live in downtown Chicago right next to Navy Pier. On the 50+ floor of this building that sways when it's really windy. Every window shows an amazing cityscape view. And each and every fucking room has some framed picture of her or him or their wedding day or some nicely dressed date or at someone else's wedding or with friends or family. It's like a shrine to their faces.

It's a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom flat with the highest tech devices and perfectly painted rooms [care of our relatives]. The dog doesn't pee on the floor. The 'cleaning lady' keeps soap scum off the shower walls. There's not a spec of dust.

I cruise in a bit late from leaving late. Three hours as predicted. Traffic is always fucking nuts so I might as well skip that part. IT's like we should all be used to it by now and it should be a norm and shouldn't be something to complain about but it's such a fucking nusiance and so out of the norm for me and, truly, anyone with an Illinois license plate has no fucking idea how to drive, merge, signal, or change lanes. It should be embarrassing to them but I'm finding that the pervasive attitude found on campus extends to the whole city: I'm self-absorbed, fuck you.

I made it in time for the afternoon lecture on Thursday. Found the campus, found parking in what some fear as the 'hood and some see as edges of campus, rushed into the run-down Harris building and found the Dir of Admissions.

It's my own challenge that I convey confidence and have a tendency to easily blush in front of crowds. She walked me to the front of the assembling lecture class to see if she could spot my assigned current student [versus me, being a 'prospective student']. Ms. London wasn't to be seen in the lecture hall so after staring at a sea of bustling faces taking glances at me, I just told the Dir I'd find a seat and hang out - no worries. And way less embarrassing.

I pushed through 5 kids - literally, I mean, still with acne - to an open seat and sat through 1.20 hr class on organizational theory which was covering the founding fathers' interpretation of this idea. Woodrow Wilson who espoused that administration is not [should not be] connected to politics and Max "Veber" and his own principles. The professor prounced Max's name that way and he paced slightly as he read from his slides. Granted, I realize I didn't have the pre-ascribed reading but I was wholly unimpressed with the lecture except for the student comments. Seemed some gent behind me was a frequent challenger of ideas - as I could tell by the rolling of eyes and slight sighs of exasperation in my own row. I had to sit on my hand not to raise it and say, "Um, Well, See, there's this guy who was appointed to FEMA by the President and well, he had everything to do with response to Katrina and yet he was politically appointed so yeah, um, WIlson was naive to presume or hope that admistrative duties would be separated from politics." It's not my place to educate all the time.

Granted, the professor was super hot and I could totally see fucking him for a better grade.

We filed out and I figured Ms. London would have left. I was heading back to my car to make my way up to my cousin's when I got her call. Ms. London and I ended up walking over to the business school [GSB = graduate school of business = GBH]. We sat for an hour and talked. She gave me some good insight into her own personal decision to go to Chicago and told me how she was originally from London and what her impressions were of Univ Coll London [my 1st choice]. And she was totally frank - speaking from her Oxford undergraduate, slightly overly intellectualized persona. I'm too smart to eat up every word and too old to not take it all with a grain of my own poisonous salt.

I got to my cousin's and hugged her over her perfectly pink sweater and pearl necklace. I got the grand tour of the place and made nice with her dog and her surroundings and didn't take personal offense that the 3rd bathroom was locked with a key [that she might have very well worn around her fucking neck]. Apparently the FDA requires this for pharmaceticual reps. I was certain she was locking it from me, but she pointed out it was locked because of well, not her husband, and not so much law, as her cleaning lady. Uh huh.

We cabbed it over to some veggie/vegan place and I winced as she kind of white-privleged barked to the cabbie about where he thought he was going and turn right not left! and this was the 3rd single most worst cab ride ever. If I'm learning anything from being a liberal feminist perfectionist of sorts, it's that I don't have to react to everything and I don't have to change everything. Maybe it's just from maturing or getting older, but some things just have to be what they are. I can't make a lesson out of everything.

Dinner was exceptionally amazing. It was a tapas style sharing. We shared food but not too much of conversation. When it was my turn I caught her eyes wandering and a disinterested response.

We walked her dog over by Navy Pier and ran into her across-the-hall neighbor. Totally different parenting styles, I'd say. I was slightly impatient on the inside but put up with the whole "Are you going to do your special business?" and "No, no, don't eat that. Don't eat that. C'mon, don't eat that." from them both. Thank god I dont have anything more than plants that just go about their dying without my involvement.

Friday was full. Amazingly I spotted an ex-intern from '02 at our welcome reception. She wasn't my favorite, but I did recall her. And another comrade in arms was attending, as well. The other 'prospies' were varied and I think I probably talked to about 20 of them over the course of the day: comrade, past-intern, SF girl, guy who grew up near the military [air force, like me] and who got interest in int'l security after his mom made it out alive from the 98th floor of Tower 2, propsie from Pittsburgh who told me Carnegie Mellon [my 3rd/4th choice] is more local/state/national than UofC, other less significants at lunch,

[walking back.. alone in the pack... I will be anonymous again and I'm excited about that and yet terribly nervous to be uninteresting and unappreciated.]

a Congressional aide from Minneapolis,