Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Conductor of my train

Oh my.

What the fuck have I done?

What the hell is going to happen?

Three months left in the program. I've got 3 classes and am working on homework #1 wherein I have to - finally - give concrete recommendations and pretend I know what the fuck I'm doing. How to solve teacher absence in a developing country. It's not as if I can just offer implementation of internet to document their appearance, teaching, and conduct. Nor can I offer that they all get salaries paid on time or food programs because the financial crisis has reduced everyone's budgets. Then there's the final graduation project, wherein we're supposed to make hard recommendations on anti-discrimination and diversity management for European firms (these are both new initiatives in EU - shocking, but true). Also, I'm job hunting.

"Listen to the little voice," I heard a classmate say. Yes, now it is time to tune inwardly and figure out what I want to do with all this knowledge and all these (supposed) skills.

The little voice could not contain itself any longer in one regard that could very well change my entire life. Mr. OKC (now known as Mr. FD) found me and opened the little drawer into which I had neatly and gently laid my submissiveness. Well, that's an exaggeration and a lie. Actually, I pulled her out, threw her down, tied her hands, and gagged her myself.

My lovely friends W and Sarah had invited me to many outings in Paris and I attended some, but found no immediate gratification or connection. School has taken the lead and time was of the essence. I thought it'd be easier in the land of "Story of O" but without the time to insert myself into the scene and not able to commit to anything of substance, I gave up. On top of that, my other dominant skills have been required in school: concentrate, schedulize, speak up in class, take decisions, manage other people, run a conference, be bold and don't give up. It's not to say one can't be both a submissive and independently strong, but I wasn't finding ways to reconcile the two so I opted for the latter (the reason to be in Paris anyway). Priorities. Thus, instead, I went for fulfilling basic needs through sex and asking lovers to spank me, write on me, use me, hurt me, overpower me. Temporary outlets, small and short bursts of letting the sub out, and not all that fun or smart or fulfilling. Yet, they were (are?) instants (instances) of necessity.

But now, with less time focusing on papers and classes, and more time focusing on me, I've gradually heard her whimpers and let Mr. FD invite her out to play. He's been thoroughly welcome in the past weeks, and gracious and proper. He's handled my incessant emails with generous replies, accurate information, intelligence, sympathy, and tease. All while "Adam" reappeared.

I've not been able to eat much lately. I'm smoking too much and drinking too much. Not having deadlines and having vacation and beginning of the semester led to me goofing off and brought Adam back home. I went out on a date with the Business Owner and we talked for 3 hours and I got a slight good-night kiss. We went out again and I got a longer kiss but had to make the last bus to get enough sleep for class in the morning. I went out with the Ex-Model and had whiskey and then went down the street to his office where I sat on his lap as we reviewed his web business, then got finger-fucked and he came on my face. I went out with the Ministry of Defense guy and - with the power of my email exchanges and growing interest in Mr. FD and growing release of sub me - wasn't so interested as his twitchy, coked-up quirks and after an hour, smiled, put 10E down and walked out giddy.

I then, in a bit of drunkenness (whiskey and self-esteem), proceeded to put my foot in my mouth and down my throat to Mr. FD in emails. He made a joke and I felt randy and said I'd want to punch his arm for that and maybe wrestle him and he basically said he wasn't interested in a bratty or testing sub. The next day I spent like 2 hours reviewing my horrible messages and formulated an appropriate apology. My drunken outbursts would have been welcome with James or bd or pdh, but not now.

Me: So, I'd push and provoke to [get] more domination. But I know that that was a specific situation in which that behavior was allowed. It wasn't appropriate for me to write those things last night to you though.

Him: No, indeed, it was not. ....But I do appreciate the subsequent understanding and proactiveness in the matter.

Sure, Mr. FD knows I'm not a saint, although I haven't revealed too much of the crazy - although I'm sure he saw it in my manic words. But he's not a rigid person either, with a history of extreme sports and an enjoyment of the grass (and, James, go figure: a back problem!).

Then, last night I saw the Business Owner and we went to a red-light hotel and fucked - or tried to. Having been married for many years he went limp with the condom. This kind of sealed the deal for me. I have no idea what Mr. FD's cock is like or what his breath smells like or how he moves. But I do know he comes with recommendations, can sparkle my cunt by reaching through my mind, and will give me a pleasure that is greater than cum on the face, finger fucking, limp dick, or (as with Tall Tom) criticism that I'm like a corpse.

Yes yes, it is partly sub dreamland, but the rational me is tuned, as well. Yes yes, I have grandiose ideas, but the realistic me is seeing the bigger picture. Yes yes, I'm letting myself get carried away, but the grounded side of me has bought the ticket.

Go-go adventure mum + rationalizing dad. I will not go into the details of the cost of the tickets, nor will I go into how ridiculous I feel when I think about it in terms of money. But I will say, thank you Chinese people for letting me use my loan money for the unknown pain and pleasure I'll be feeling in a week and 3 days.

Why am I doing it? What am I really doing? Well, I'm banking on the descriptions of his expertise, playland, concepts, psychological power. I'm building trust about his person, abilities, awareness, care. I'm being smart by scheduling a way out with friends who know where I'll be, what I'll be doing, and knowing they're available if I need. I'm, as he's seen "a damsel in distress," with a great, strong need to be tied up (or down), beaten, challenged, fed from a bowl, fucked from behind, demanded of, enlightened, given the space to serve, encouraged to become the best sub I can become.... within the space of a weekend. It's an introduction and could become the beginning.

Me: speaking of legitimacy and such, do any of your sub friends on FetLife have particular recommendations for groups [to join]? I looked through about 20 pages of listed groups and found none of true interest. I feel like a novice, but am not and have not found the "I was in, then out, now getting back in" again groups. And, frankly, some of those subs need to learn how to spell!

Him: You can ask [her], she is an intelligent and very active poster (in RL working for a [xyz] company and finishing off a MA in [abc]). If you don't get any satisfying answer, I'll direct you to some other of my friends. If you do not find a group that caters to you current predicament, why not create one? Later you could also create "I was in, then out, then got back in and now I am in so deeep"

Sigh, I'm a lover of words and good minds. We'll see what happens next.

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