Thursday, March 19, 2009

I am a tree pt.2

To Mr. FD:

[To the tune of "Can't Be Sure" by the Sundays.]

I'm almost too tipsy to write. I probably shouldn't write this. Or, at least send it.

Mostly I feel that last week I was excited and this week my mind has got the best of me and is making me frightened, hesitant, second-guessing, whereas last week it was my heart that was thirsty.

I watched this movie, "Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus." It's about the south of the US. And it's heavily laden with religion but some good comes out of it.

This narrative caught me:
For the uninitiated, walkin' in, seeing a healing service or a apiritual church in full bloom, it's quite a wonderous sight. There's a real power there that you can't deny, you just can't deny it. It's pretty incredible. And there's a lot of love there, and there's a lot of .. there's a presence. It's - it's hard to explain. It's just so hard to explain. Things happen there that defy explanation and you feel like you're in the presence of God. You feel that way real strong. It gets sort of addictive. You go to a Presbyterian church or you go to a Catholic Church and it's a lot of friendly talk, but it doesn't give you any clue that beyond your mind that there's some immensity that loves you. You get in one of these churches, first thing they do is set the mind at the door. Come walk in with your heart. And it feels real good sometimes just to leave that mind behind and let your heart do the talkin'.

Not so much for the speak about religion, but how I want to spiritually connect bdsm in a way. I want to leave my mind at the door and know that my inner voice is surrounded by naturalness. *My* naturalness. Let go of all rationalization and just be who I am supposed to be. Yet, I don't know who that person is or how I should be in that state. In the film, religious folk are speaking in tongues and flailing about. I imagine that's almost equal to being tied and beaten. Different "gods," different practices, different ways of getting there but with the same results. It's inexplicable, it's beyond the mind, there's an immensity to letting go and being subsumed by "every thing its place," let the heart go free. I want to be raw. To be real. To be who I crave to be.

But with that, I'm frightened to how that looks, how it presents itself, how it happens. In a church it would constructed and predictable. But you're an unknown. I have no idea what you plan to do with me or what you plan to make of me. I realize and am close to the idea that you wouldn't aim to break a toy with which you'd envision playing with again. I can almost know that you're not a murder or a sadist for the point of hatred or disgust or evil. But my imagination runs wild and seeks the dark recesses of my cave. Could you harm me in such a way that I'm utterly unhappy or terrified to [the point of ] distrust or left destroyed? What is sadism and who would I have to be to fulfill that received action? I'm not one of the women whose profiles I've read who calls herself a worthless piece of shit. I want to live for someone, be all desired for someone, but I am filled with joy and aspiration and self-worth in such a way I cannot be that kind of person.

I am filled with trepidation. I want last week's girl back. I'm hot and horny and feel slutty and tried to seduce my friend tonight but resisted any thick temptation of him because he is not what I want. I haven't had sex in almost a month which makes me a renewed virgin. It's something I want to give as a gift this new first time, my tight pussy, and not have it be manipulated like a cavity to be filled. It will be that, but not the first time. I want to offer myself as a good hole for pleasure. I'm scared you want to fill me with the dildo and not touch me there yourself. I'm afraid of being an object, but want to be. I feel like a moron writing all this. God.

I want to get out of my mind.

I want to feel my skin. I want to feel each draw of it tensing and each chill. Each slap, the warming redness and pain....

I don't want to be disregarded or disrespected. I'm afraid for this weekend. I'm afraid of what I don't know of you. I want to fulfill so many things and am afraid of myself failing.

I have been thinking too much and imagining too much and have been trying to ground myself in reality too much. There doesn't seem to be a balance. First, I get swept away with newbie subbie romantic dreams. Then, I'm carried away with masochist fantasies. Then, I'm trying to remember to be real and rational. Then, I have doubts. Then, I want to forget flaws and be free. Then, I want to please so badly. Then, to have and have not. ... I have no idea what you want from me. I don't know what mindset I'm supposed to be in. Am I supposed to be scared? Adoring? Compliant? Can I hug you when I see you? Obedient? Sexy and strong? Wearing thigh high boots and shiny latex dress? A porn bdsm star? A shy girl? A smart girl? A self-reliant girl? A needy girl?

I feel so dumb with all these thoughts. I've stopped reading FetLife postings because what I read mostly whines and feeds my own insecurities. I'm trying to be grown up and me and smart, but this is all set off a kind of wild questioning and feeling: to desire not to desire. Be chill. Be mellow. Be relaxed. But I have so many thoughts that ping from dark and insecure, to high and strong. I can't stop thinking about this weekend. For weeks now. I'm fine in school and able to be the leader I have to be there and can produce the work I need to produce, but my mind is out there flying and dreaming and wondering. I'm sure this must be (and I've thought about this a lot, too) a huge burden on you to even entertain me or a "damsel in distress" as you have to take all of these ideas and issues into consideration and manipulate them ("tout ce que tu diras pourra être retenu contre toi") while feeding them and caring for them and using them to your direction. I know a 24-7 is almost impossible under the furthest extreme ideas of it, because who wants to have a child / pet every day for the rest of their lives?! It would be immense work for a dom/master.

So, I close with the fact that a) I'm totally tipsy, b) this is a moment snapshot in time and I certainly don't feel so doubtful all the time but it's built up a bit, c) I'm more excited than scared for this weekend really, d) I hope you don't use these words to detriment, e) I truly hope you can help make me become the best sub that I can be, f) rock n roll.

No comments: