Today

Hey, [sponsor lady] -

I might end up writing you a lot, so don't feel the need to reply to everything. I just like writing...

So, I got the melatonin. I asked the pharmacist if 3mg of it was comparable to the Tylenol PM I'd been taking. She asked if I'd been taking it for a while. I nodded. A few days? More than that. A week? A lot more. Two weeks? Um, a lot more. Her eyebrows raised. Have you tried exercise or ... I've been taking them for a long long time. She came around the counter. Well, let's see if there's a smaller quantity for you to try. I told her I just joined AA and was trying to switch things up a bit and had been taking Tylenol PM for a couple of years (ahem). She's not sure they'll work, but I'm going to try tonight.

Then, I came home, wrote a short note to my friend about the day's meeting and took a nap. My sister called at 2:30pm. She told me about grocery shopping, how she's going to SF next weekend for a pre-birthday party celebration, and then she parked in the garage and I asked about her ex-fiance who still lives with her (she doesn't want to completely evict him until after the holidays - they've been together for 2.5 years and in therapy for most of that - he's definitely an alcoholic and he needs to move out to get his life in order because he still loves her and relies on her too much). Then, I asked if she had a minute and I told her I went to AA, told her about you (anonymity intact), about last weekend, about how much (more or less) I've been drinking. She was surprised. She asked all questions. She didn't understand how I had become an alcoholic and wanted to know what triggered the AA (she was afraid I'd crashed a car or killed someone; and how was I an alcoholic? I'm not like mom... heh). I told her that I tried not to be like our mom, as mom hides box wine in cupboards and gets slurry and sloppy and tense sometimes, and sometimes cold, and sometimes weepy. And in order to not be like mom, I told her, I also hid my drinking, but more like I'd drink a couple with people and then lay it on when alone. And, if she or someone lived with me, they'd see the box wine as my bottles of cheap wine that came in one night, out the next, in with more, etc... And, that, no, I hadn't killed anyone, but that I had a slow, sad slide into sadness and loneliness.

All in all it was good. I recommended she go to Al-Anon if she wanted to talk to people about anything. I told her it wasn't her fault (she tried to be my mom #2 when my mom was out of it most of the time). She cried that she knew it might be one of us as alcoholism is hereditary or whatever. She was sorry it was me. I told her not to be sad, that this is a gift that I have now - to pursue sobriety. We talked for a long time. I told her I was sorry, but that that step would come later. And that I was sorry that now she was surrounded by 3 alcoholics: mom, me, and her fiance. Merry Christmas! I said I wanted to tell her now because she'd be the one picking me up at the airport in a few weeks and that I'd ask to borrow her car to go to meetings and I'd have to explain it then, and I didn't want to tell her in a couple of weeks because it's her birthday, so ... I figured now would be best. That she could call me with any questions. That's it IS one day at a time so I'm aiming to stay sober, but I might fail and some do relapse, but I'm aiming for the 90 in 90. She asked about meetings - like, you don't HAVE to go forever, right? Heh... just my thoughts exactly, but I told her that I find comfort in them and that the guy who spoke on Friday was in his 50s and in his first 2 years of sobriety went to like 500 meetings a year. Count that up!

She knows about alcoholism and AA (somewhat), because she's the one who would research it all over the years when dealing with our mom. I told her none of this is her fault (kind of cutting to the chase on Step 8 a bit) and she knows this. She's super supportive and we're both, actually, super supportive. I told her I don't want her to freak out over this and that I'm here for her if she needs to talk to me. She said likewise, and she's not freaked out, she's super happy and proud of me.

The interesting thing to me is that I'm realizing more and more that all these people that I thought would have CLEARLY known, don't. After a while of talking she started to make some connections (that I have yet to make) between my past behavior and this new realization. Interestingly, she said she wondered sometimes why I was angry with her and now she knows it's nothing she was doing. I was angry with her a lot over my life, but I never chalked it up to being an alcoholic... guess that will come with more in-depth Step 8.

Anyway...

Now, I'm listening to This American Life, knitting, and thinking about going to the 7pm meeting. But I'm also still tired and want to make some headway on this scarf.

At the end, she and I realized how lucky we both are to have supportive families. To have each other.

As I'm lucky to have you, [sponsor lady]. Thanks again for today!