the rollercoaster

To my sponsor last night:

So, the meeting for celebrations was cool. I don't understand why ... or maybe I do why people ask others to speak for them on their anniversary: fellowship. It was all great. I was enjoying it and then [insert name of girl] invited me to the frozen yogurt place and I was all worried about catching the bus home. [insert name of girl] offered a ride but I wanted to get home - not sure why. Part of my brain was like in the Dupont meeting: don't rush out for the bus, just enjoy being with these people and relax. But I also wanted to get home to sleep for tomorrow's meeting in the AM. And then she and I were talking about where we work and things and that I should meet Amy who lives near me and she should be coming to the table soon and then [insert name of girl] asked what I was doing next weekend - that she was having some people over. And my brain froze into fear.

I thought back to one of the speakers tonight talking about his recovery and how he went into a meeting for young people (after being a tough kid alcoholic for so long) and all these guys came up and gave their numbers and one kid asked him if he was free tomorrow. He said, "no, I'm busy" (just to put off the kid from asking him to hang out). How about the next day, "busy." Then the kid said, "how about next Wednesday" (knowing this guy wouldn't plan so far in advance) and he said, "I guess I'm free." And the speaker took that point into how isolationist alcoholics are and I really identified with that so strongly. So, when [insert name of girl] asked me to come over I thought of that, and panicked. She said, it'll be fun, don't worry, we're just going to play games and stuff. And then I told her what I was thinking of and she thought I was kind of joking (and I was - kind of). And then I panicked. I haven't hung out with people - socializing - since Thanksgiving and that was before the me now. And I kind of teared up and she hugged me, and then Alice sat down, and I had to run to catch my bus.

What is wrong with me?!?! I mean, I know - from all the readings. But omg, I had no idea I was such a social phobe! And when she asked, I had to think, what am I doing next weekend? Well, nothing because I don't go out to drink anymore. Hell, I didn't even go out to drink before. I drank and then went to visit [the ex-boyfriend] to make out or hang out, but always after drinking. If I went out with friends after work it was to dinner and to drink - and then more drinking when I got home. Even Thanksgiving dinner with friends was a few glasses of wine and then get out of there to come home to drink. I mean, I had a verifiable panic attack at [insert name of girl] inviting me over. I know she understood, but omg. I don't even know what to think right now. It's so weird. So weird. I feel so tightly wound up, so cloaked. So contained. So trying to keep it together - look good, smile in the meetings, make jokes like I'm okay, have happy days and think it's all good. So held together. I can't even imagine just sitting in a meeting and crying - too many people would see me! I'd be so exposed! I know that's the point of it... as the same speaker said, "It's not about saving face, it's about saving your ass." But I don't know... this whole 5 minutes of panic is so weird.

Socializing - a group of people not in a meeting, but actually doing something together - without booze. So weird how I reacted. So weird.

I must be tired. All this rambling.