Monday, May 4, 2009

To Sir with love

I just read a wonderful email from my girl friend on FetLife. It's so settling to know I'm not alone in this venture of realizing who I am and who I can be - to you.

I have not been your good submissive lately and I'm so sorry for this. I know you're fighting flu-like feelings right now so I wouldn't send this to you (hence posting on my blog - wherein I can be free to write my feelings of any nature and know that I can get them out of my system in privacy and confidence and without burdening you).

I know that the reason I've behaved poorly in communications is because I'm struggling to balance the submissive I want to be to you with the dominant I have to be in other realms of life. I'm writing quickly between school tasks and not taking the time to use my words properly. And I'm smarter and more cognizant than this. I know that every word uttered in life has value and every letter written carries meaning. But life is not lived to the crossed T and dotted i. Still, I should have more consciousness of my communications.

I am, also, aware of the twisted questioning I have for our dynamic. It's new, it's physically infrequent, it relies on mental and spiritual diligence, and a whole lotta trust. On the one hand, I'm completely at ease with giving myself to your control, nurture, design, discipline, but yet on the other I have reservations on that great leap. I'm not sure what they're based on: baggage, newness, wisdom with age, worry-wort tendencies, caution of heart break, safety, stubbornness, or punk rock rebellion. Or, any other little negative inch worm trying to nibble away at my growth. As such, as of now, you have demonstrated no inconsistency or irrationality that would indicate I'd have foundation for this mistrust. It just is what it is and I have some inner activities to figure it out.

My friend on FetLife was talking about her interest in become a slave to her dominant. That it is not for her to decide in their relationship, but it was one key point she made that intrigued me:
"We discussed the 'slave' topic. He was very quiet and simply stated that he has noted for some time that I act in a way that would be in keeping with a slave towards him. Whether or not I am a slave however, seems to be something that he will determine the timing of and I suppose at that time I will need to decide whether I give myself entirely over to his control. It is a little confusing to me, because at this time, I don't know that my mindframe isn't already there. But, I also recognize that he is the one to better know what that means and so perhaps I am not ready or he has not determined that is the level of commitment that he wants to make, at this time. We can both feel it though and it surfaces in our interactions anytime we are together."

This idea of the dominant knowing better about situations - and about ourselves - than we know. This is such a mystery to me and yet it has surfaced in our email exchanges quite a bit. Yes, I comprehend the idea that a (good) dominant watches physical reactions during play to analyze the situation beyond what the sub will be capable of doing. Yes, I understand that the dom judges what the scope of play is before engaging to find the right direction for play and the limits (with the underlying principle that no one is perfect and communication reigns supreme in this interaction). But this whole life outside of physical interaction is confusing: service, commitment, mental engagement - and a phrase I'm still slightly turned off by "total power exchange" (buhm buhm booommmm - as if some guy should jump out of a horrible TV commercial: "And now, introducing, Total Power Exchange! The brand that gets those tough stains out of your precious linen!").

And then, after my years of providing for my own survival and enjoyment, who the fuck thinks they know better than I do about my own satisfaction, growth, improvement, needs, wants, etc? How does someone have this magic power to see the bigger picture and is able to determine the specific details better than I can? I have the deep desire to concede this grand spectrum of my life, but I guess it does simply involve a depth of trust and breadth of demonstrated comprehension. And, most certainly, I am not near to having a slave discussion. While my heart might want to go in that direction, and I have already longed to be told to change my "relationship status" to say "submissive to Mr FD," I have silly reservations about that (ugh, that's so dumb to declare that kind of thing) and serious considerations (only he could tell me if I've reached that point).

This all said, I've reached a point where things are rearranging inside me. I've had many new swoons over my life and have wariness that this one prove itself as something beyond an instant infatuation. I'm a risk-taker (you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first). I like the extreme (although I thought this had tempered over time - considering that I'm on the way to become a voodoo doll with needle play, who knows if this is true). I like newness. I like the taboo. (I remember talking to James about my incest erotica fetish and he eased my concerns about this by pointing out that I've always liked taboo things.)

But there is a clear obviousness that reveals itself when I'm least looking. A hastily written email, badly worded, and you send message back that I'm out of line and why am I thinking so self-centeredly? This sends my mind spinning (even if you follow that note with a caution that I shouldn't indulge in guilt or whining or rationalization, just understand the point and get back to school work). It's not an instinctive reenactment of my own childhood misdemeanors with parental disapproval. But it extends from that. I've disappointed many people since I was a kid and have felt no such impact as I do when I get your notices. When given tasks from afar (shopping or writing), I've felt such dedication to the point where I could end up caring less about other responsibilities. Although you wouldn't allow that. There are days and moments when I feel a sensation of distraction, elation, concern, peace and send you an email and get some type of in-kind acknowledgment that there was, indeed, a reason for it: you were working on me, you received good news, you were considering a punishment, you were calm taking a nap. These could be rationalized away from my thoughts as simply coincidental interactions, but I've studied synchronicity and quantum physics and know that coincidences do not exist solely as accidents.

There is something bigger at work between us.

When I looked up at the sky in December and felt trepidation for the future and realized what I wanted was to fall in love, it wasn't as simple as that. It was a longing that wasn't being met and a call I put out to the universe. (Hippie shit, I know, but after all my parents have said over and over that I was reincarnated from that time period or born too late.) And, when I started to shut down from the lovers of Adam's reign, it was a signal to other notions developing. And when the year had passed and I got a call back from you, the stars said it was time. And while I was meditating on following my path as it should be, following the course of events as my life should develop, requesting some sign that I was moving to the next phase of my life as it should be, and asking for clear signals of this next step, I received them in overlapping greatness: Venus was at the southern sky and shining brighter and bigger than an eye could conceive, such that I thought for sure it was a UFO; energy centralized in me; comfort in this huge wash of uncertainty folded around me; the sun gave me a spring in step; I started to blossom; and your words came frequently, my trips on the train became an umbilical cord, puzzle pieces fell into place within me. I've had only clear signs - all pointing to Yes: yes, follow this final project I'm working on at school for it will lead to continuation; yes, time is running out and it's time to carve out the words of years and years; yes, give myself to Mr FD - wholly and without hesitation. Yet, with all these signals, my rational mind plays intervener and protector. It's a constant struggle to be true to my destiny.

Along those lines, I've achieved momumental development. The final project is a first of its kind and will be met with praise for its timeliness. My words are ready for formulation and structure into some kind of permanent, publicly available medium. And I had never thought I'd crave you, pain, service, adoration, and more than total power exchange.

All this to say, I still have deep and frequent questions - and will forever (and at random times). I have a want and a need for you. I have a want and need to learn more. And more importantly, I will live by my new mantra:

I’m here to serve you, be obedient, and be the best sub I can be.

Thank you for your patience and interest in our development. I'm humbled to be considered your memo, céline, sex slut, little girl, lola, dolly, slow anne, fast anne, natasha, sherpa. I can only hope it continues as long as it should.


No comments: