I am smart

I'm not afraid of saying I'm wrong when I'm wrong. Not afraid of bad guesses or failure. But when I'm right on something that could have been wrong, I'm happy.

So, I had extensive email exchanges with the French dom guy because I came away from our date feeling like I was being rushed into something, feeling like I didn't have full disclosure - and wasn't giving enough disclosure, feeling like something was missing. My intuition is finely tuned and strong and I trust it more than I trust facts. Certainly, I base my decisions on a combination of both, but this time there was something in the facts that made me unsettled. It wasn't that he felt like a freak killer. It wasn't that he felt like a madman. Wasn't that he felt like a poseur, because I don't believe that the case. It just felt like he ... well, wasn't "right."

For our playdate tomorrow, I was supposed to wear no underwear, wear garters and stockings, walk in without a safeword but play a "joker system" (I refuse something, we don't do it, but next time I have to do something he chooses and I *have* to do it), and he had hoped I'd be able to be waxed. He had offered cab fare there and back so I wouldn't be wetting myself on the metro. But because of the "feelings" I had, I asked that, instead of having the playdate, we have another public meeting to discuss a bit more. Submissiveness is not a toy. Sure, I might be a pragmatic, practical, over-analyzing American, but I'm not a risk-taker in bdsm. I am a treasure, a sublime sub, and I'll give and take anything once I trust the dom. (Although Sir K did confirm my statement that I'm not a pain slut, and therefore have many limitations.)

So, tonight I got an email from the French dom (and sent one similar, although shorter, back):

Finally recovered all your mails, the latest one had just, for unknown reasons, been directed to my spam box…and only this morning…..!

I've thought quite a lot about the situation; we spent two and a half hours together discussing things openly, intelligently and in quite some details.

As you admitted yourself, you have a strong tendency to "top from bottom" and then you obviously tend to be very analytical about every single issue.

You're a charming and interesting as a person and I would have loved to train you, but I am far too experienced and sure about the way I should handle things to consider one second being "topped from bottom".

Also, I think that if in over two hours, I did not manage to create some feeling of trust, than I'm really very bad at proving who I am or at least could be.

So, I don't think another two or three hours of discussion will change anything, and in fact the simple idea of that bores me to death...

Sorry to be so frank, but we'll leave it here and I wish you an enjoyable stay in Paris, full success at school and a lot of kinky fun ;-)


Kiss

%%%%%%%%%%

I thanked him for his frankness, because I prefer it over bullshit. Wished him well in finding the sub he is hoping to find and thanked him for his time.

Interestingly, at our date, I told him I had topped from the bottom with several boyfriends since I was, in essence, dating vanilla men and showing them bdsm / asking for and demonstrating what I wanted from them. The French dom obviously was not listening to me at all. I love that discussion "bores him to death" - what a moron.

This is a perfect reminder for me, and a perfect lesson for newbie submissives who are dying for domination, who are so eager once they have found bdsm and that it resonates so deeply in them that they want to do *anything* for *anyone* to satisfy the craving. Thing is, it's *our* gift to give. Not that we're "holier than thou," but that we're the ones giving up control, losing ourselves, abandoning rationalization in a scene, and, desiring to please - in any way possible - our dominants. But those doms need to earn that freedom, need to prove their trustworthiness, need to demonstrate composure, compassion, knowledge, control, and an understanding of what submissives are offering. No, this is not a "top from the bottom" idea, this is about safety, trust, compatibility, equality, understanding, open communication, and mutual respect. Once a submissive and dom have established that kind of relationship (not meaning one of love or dating or whatever), then, fine, let all things go - including safewords if it's appropriate. But before that, it's a hazard waiting to happen.

I'm much too proud of who I am and what amazingness I can offer to just give it to anyone. And the French dom wasn't willing to even respect me enough to have a coffee and explore. His loss. Poor bastard.