Saturday, December 6, 2008

I am smart

I'm not afraid of saying I'm wrong when I'm wrong. Not afraid of bad guesses or failure. But when I'm right on something that could have been wrong, I'm happy.

So, I had extensive email exchanges with the French dom guy because I came away from our date feeling like I was being rushed into something, feeling like I didn't have full disclosure - and wasn't giving enough disclosure, feeling like something was missing. My intuition is finely tuned and strong and I trust it more than I trust facts. Certainly, I base my decisions on a combination of both, but this time there was something in the facts that made me unsettled. It wasn't that he felt like a freak killer. It wasn't that he felt like a madman. Wasn't that he felt like a poseur, because I don't believe that the case. It just felt like he ... well, wasn't "right."

For our playdate tomorrow, I was supposed to wear no underwear, wear garters and stockings, walk in without a safeword but play a "joker system" (I refuse something, we don't do it, but next time I have to do something he chooses and I *have* to do it), and he had hoped I'd be able to be waxed. He had offered cab fare there and back so I wouldn't be wetting myself on the metro. But because of the "feelings" I had, I asked that, instead of having the playdate, we have another public meeting to discuss a bit more. Submissiveness is not a toy. Sure, I might be a pragmatic, practical, over-analyzing American, but I'm not a risk-taker in bdsm. I am a treasure, a sublime sub, and I'll give and take anything once I trust the dom. (Although Sir K did confirm my statement that I'm not a pain slut, and therefore have many limitations.)

So, tonight I got an email from the French dom (and sent one similar, although shorter, back):

Finally recovered all your mails, the latest one had just, for unknown reasons, been directed to my spam box…and only this morning…..!

I've thought quite a lot about the situation; we spent two and a half hours together discussing things openly, intelligently and in quite some details.

As you admitted yourself, you have a strong tendency to "top from bottom" and then you obviously tend to be very analytical about every single issue.

You're a charming and interesting as a person and I would have loved to train you, but I am far too experienced and sure about the way I should handle things to consider one second being "topped from bottom".

Also, I think that if in over two hours, I did not manage to create some feeling of trust, than I'm really very bad at proving who I am or at least could be.

So, I don't think another two or three hours of discussion will change anything, and in fact the simple idea of that bores me to death...

Sorry to be so frank, but we'll leave it here and I wish you an enjoyable stay in Paris, full success at school and a lot of kinky fun ;-)



I thanked him for his frankness, because I prefer it over bullshit. Wished him well in finding the sub he is hoping to find and thanked him for his time.

Interestingly, at our date, I told him I had topped from the bottom with several boyfriends since I was, in essence, dating vanilla men and showing them bdsm / asking for and demonstrating what I wanted from them. The French dom obviously was not listening to me at all. I love that discussion "bores him to death" - what a moron.

This is a perfect reminder for me, and a perfect lesson for newbie submissives who are dying for domination, who are so eager once they have found bdsm and that it resonates so deeply in them that they want to do *anything* for *anyone* to satisfy the craving. Thing is, it's *our* gift to give. Not that we're "holier than thou," but that we're the ones giving up control, losing ourselves, abandoning rationalization in a scene, and, desiring to please - in any way possible - our dominants. But those doms need to earn that freedom, need to prove their trustworthiness, need to demonstrate composure, compassion, knowledge, control, and an understanding of what submissives are offering. No, this is not a "top from the bottom" idea, this is about safety, trust, compatibility, equality, understanding, open communication, and mutual respect. Once a submissive and dom have established that kind of relationship (not meaning one of love or dating or whatever), then, fine, let all things go - including safewords if it's appropriate. But before that, it's a hazard waiting to happen.

I'm much too proud of who I am and what amazingness I can offer to just give it to anyone. And the French dom wasn't willing to even respect me enough to have a coffee and explore. His loss. Poor bastard.


Anonymous said...

you know I also had an intuitive feeling about this guy...


a said...

One of the things I've always appreciated about you was your seeming awareness of self.

Best of luck finding the respectful equivalent of him.

Sarah said...

Well done, Girl! Take care.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I wasn't exactly looking for this thread, but once I came across it, I HAD TO STOP AND READ IT!!

I laughed so hard at the part where you called him a "moron", I nearly fell off my chair. Particularly since I have a pretty good idea who this guy is. And knowing that, I think you've pissed him off! LOL!!

lola said...

d: we have our intuition, don't we?

a: thanks for the luck!

Sarah: thank YOU, darlin'.

Anonymous: I certainly hope I haven't offended him. I actually had high hopes for something working out on a regular basis. But I just can't compromise my own safety and sanity. Oh well...

Anonymous said...

Well...I'm sure he isn't too thrilled to have been refered to as a "moron", lol!!

But the one thing I find difficult with him is that he precieves things to be one way - when really they may be be entirely different from that. (He's not a bad person,) but he's a little too self absorbed for his own good!!

lola said...

Hi, anon -

I don't think we're talking about the same person. I certainly do not think this person to whom I'm referring is a bad person. And, perhaps it wasn't written well on the blog, but I in no way called him a "moron" to his face. And would only use my personal blog as an outlet as such. Had this person been interested in further engaging, I would have shared these thoughts when I deemed it appropriate - and in an appropriate manner. Sorry if I was confusing.

Finally, I reserve the right to be inconsistent with my own feelings and give others that right, as well. But I think most people who say that discussion "would bore them to death" are morons - especially in relation to bdsm negotiations.

Anonymous said...

No, actually I think we are talking about the same person. And I didn't say that I thought, you thought he was a bad person either. I just think I know him a little better than you do is all....

Actually, after I sent my last post off to you, I started thinking about something. I think with this particular individual, he's most happiest when someone acts indifferent to him. (I'm not equipped to pscho-analyze why that is?) But "everything" you said sounds just like who I'm thinking!

But yes, he has a charming demeanor - and is very gentelmanly!

And who knows... if for whatever reason you two should cross paths again, (and he'd be willing to "listen" better to your feelings and concerns) maybe the two of you could have an enjoyable time together. But whatever happens, hope you find what you are looking for.

Bye, :-)

noman said...

I think you were right to ask for more time - he wasn't showing much 'mutual respect.' If you weren't more careful he might have tried to talk you into attaching a chain to your pussy and passing you around to his friends as in the Story of O. He sounded a little too smug and narcissistic for his (your) own good. Maybe you really cheated death once again