A few tips: How Not to be a Moron in the Workplace

Do not talk to yourself in that "people around the table will hear me and ask me about what I'm oohing and aahing" way.

Do not talk out loud to your email.

Do not talk too much personal biz: no one wants to hear that you just decorated your Tampa back yard with columns and hired a plant decorator; no one wants to sing "Happy Birthday" on the phone to your husband because it's his birthday and you are not at home with him to celebrate - plus, it's the middle of the work day, he's at work; no one wants to hear you moan "I don't have anyone to put on the 'Emergency Contacts' list - it's a long story."

Don't be all aggressive in new team work. No one is trying to steal your mojo. No one is going to usurp your job (unless you don't know what "usurp" means). Just chill the fuck out.

Do not have HR discussions with your employee in front of other employees. It's not classy. Take a moment, get up from the team table, walk to the other room, and then tell her/him about time off, comp time, and why there's no paid OT.

Don't eat ice cream for lunch and try to make up excuses for why you're doing it. Just eat your damn ice cream. No one is judging, and if they are - it's all internal, and who the fuck cares?

Don't talk about PMS or bras or pantyhose around your male colleagues. It's inappropriate and weird. Who wants to know about their jock straps, ranging hard-ons that they release in the bathroom, or five o'clock shadow growth?

It does not matter if you're from the South, North, or Far East - "ain't" is not an appropriate word for use in a professional situation.

Grow a pair of balls. Keep it together. Have some class.