So long 2011

Spiraled notebook paper torn out:

*Sat 12 days ago last bowel movement 1/29
Revlen antiametics / other nausea meds avail
coat throat

__________________________________________
cancer answer
CT scan not show clear growth, but "leakage" in abdomen indicates cancer
                                                           ^^^^^^^ word?
coat on upper GI near stomach

Fri: chemo plan for weekend
If nourishment not staying down, tube to intestines.

hyperalimentation
froz. pudding orange magic cup
milkshake van.
__________________________________________
cl. undies - tees
3-4 diapers/day


Tues - chemo last 2/1
nutrition -

Wed 2/9 - froz pudd orange magic cup; milkshake van, ? diarrhea all night (6x); Dr M 4:30pm

Thurs 2/10 - no mom; bread apple AM; vomit @ night
when I left: mac & chz, mash pots; some diarrhea Dr M 5pm

Fri 2/11 - no mom; 1 nutrition AM @ bfast;
Adv Dir Pwr Attrny updated, on file
- bfast:scr egg, apples, white toast, 1/2 long john, tea - still full 3pm
- has Ensure
- doc visit 8am: platlets too low for chemo ATM
dinner: spag, wildbry ensure, 6, 630 AM diah aggressives
- 125/83
- firmer BMs
- Aly PM -> 11:30
- Dr. Hawking weekend

Sat 2/12 - cup applesauce, supplement, yogurt, org spice tea ---- vomit, all came up
- 8:30 doc Hawking
- platlets? CBC?
- new bed?
- 12pm diah more watery lots
- bad dreams: bright, vivid, dark, depressive
- nap 1230-1
- Angie nutritionist: delay supplements, motility: better than solids sometimes, Reglen - diarrhea, another motility drug? side effects? small solids with no liquids, separate solid and liquids, liquids only: 2-3 meals/snacks? cold and dry post-chemo and not hot; sacchrine reject taste buds (nutritional supp) --> saltines/graham crackers, toast, fruit (strawberry juice bar --> ask in a bowl)
not enough, options:
1) tube nose bypass stom -> intestine, temporary, can go home, can try eating with it (size: top IV, pliable)
1b) line stom -> intestine
1) @ home with pump (continuous or few intervals) or gravity feedings or syringe so many CCs @ time
2) motility and nausea b/c GI; more nutrition thru vein more than IV, perentual outside GI tract port or new, yellow vitamin-colored proteins fat into vein -- in-patient, if you can't eat at all insurance covers; higher risks foreign into vein - infection, $ insurance

Sun: solids, snack, lunch
Sat: PM crm chkn soup; snack: Saltines
- ? diff med than Reglan? exacerbates diarrhea? arithromyacin smaller dose IV
- mid-week < 1500 --> tube discussion
magnesium, phosphorus, albumin (protein) pre-albumin
- people recording tray eating
** 2 pillows from dad bed slightly foldable
- 132/79 3:15pm Lbs: 158
-6:36pm soup, 2/3 yogurt, 1/2 tea

Sun 2/13: cr wheat, orange jello, 2% milk 8:30AM; magnesium shortage
**black pen, refills travel bag, undies/shirts

crackers 7AM (2)
lunch 12pm: chicken soup, vanilla ice cream, org jello, magnesium done 12pm, might do more Monday
? amortization - signing by Mom only?


----> Mom writes:
Dawn said not necessary - no rush.
Lunch 1:20 ate: Clinc Sauge (?) 1/3 jello and all ice cream
Vitals: 98 temp, 135/73, 98 oxgy. <----

Laps: 2am, 3 @ 2pm
160.2
toilet after walk: pee
5.1 potassium (3.5-5.2 good) goes to drop -> 20: 125/hr -> 100/hr
74 platlets (Sat 67, Fri 62)
3:30: 98.6, 130/83
4pm: Reglan
Denise = RN

__________________________________________

CFO: backfills for retirement under critical positions; HCO: nationwide hires normal program work
__________________________________________

mac & chz
mash pot & gravy
chkn noodle
scram eggs
wh toast
applesauce
crm of wheat
light very cherry yog
orange spice herbal tea
vanilla ice cream
orange sherbert

Tiffany - discharge
Sue/Janelle - case management - TPN lipids, metabolic / Dr Gui
12pm supplies
Janelle - home health / home care 830-930 call day of visit
Tiffany - discharge paperwork
Sue - until Sat if not working - case mgr (Rita, Jane)
Dr Gui - metabolic (TPN orders)
insulin?
Nurses - ? home diff

TPN --
TPN 7pm - 7am
home care - 5pm nurse
Hospital Home Care Plus - infusion, formulation meds, mixing
Hospital Home Care - 830-930 am  call, let know doc appt, 2 visits first 2 days (tonight, tmw AM)
2/week - first 2 weeks --> 1/week

__________________________________________
picnic: Volta Park 12-4 for AA
__________________________________________


*********************************************************************************

I sewed 2 quilts for Christmas. One for my mom and one for my sister, featuring my dad's tee-shirts. You can see them over on tumblr. I'm making my own now. My sister told me the first year is still shock and maybe by the third year we realize he's really gone. I know he's dead. I know this. But I don't believe it still. It just seems like he's on a trip somewhere. And maybe that's the real truth anyway.

I also knitted 3 scarves and we randomly picked the one we wanted.

I gifted my mom a pair of earrings and me/my sister a necklace - all from our trip to Colorado to bury my dad.

I made a photo album of the photos from the slideshow and added in photos from our trip to Colorado.


Pretty much Christmas was a close-out of The Year of Dad Dying.


I'm hoping there's some new fun in 2012. Not that there wasn't fun in 2011. I went camping and made awesome friends. I got over fears of people that I had developed from drinking and isolating. I got over dislike for animals and adopted an awesome cat. I found my Higher Power and got on my knees for help. I had awesome, sober, fun New Years Eves. I went from standing at the bus stop wondering, "I do have pants on, right?" to gussying up in a skirt and boots. I stopped trolling Craigslist and haven't had sex since October. I baked and cooked all kinds of delicious treats. I joined the gym. I flew to the Midwest 6 times and decided to go other places in the next year. I made friends with women and found I could be friends with men without feeling sexual toward them. I went to therapy and cried my eyes out. I worked through the 8 steps with a super chill sponsor who finds me "illuminating" and is patient through my freak outs. I watched someone die with love and am living with that love.


I think 2012 has potential and I'm ready for whatever comes.


But I have changed a lot this past year. And one of the things I think about is that this blog really doesn't suit me. Sure, I need a place to write it all out - even if only sporadically every other month - but I'm not really Cheating Death Once Again. (Granted, we all are every minute of the day, but that's beside the point.) I'm more Sampling the Life Buffet or something touchy feely like that. We'll see what evolves.


Whatever happens, I'll let you know and hopefully you'll let me know.


Wishing you a delightful New Year. Wishing you a New Year that exceeds what you deserve and is better than you imagined ♥ ♥